Here’s What Matters…

1)  Angel was saved and baptized, and so were nine others that are very dear to me… Christian, John Lester, Freleyta, Deciree, Mian, Roselle, Kimberlyn, KC Anne, and Crystal Jane, in whose lives are noticeable changes and eager hearts that serve.

2)  They were baptized by my husband John, who is an incredible man, radically saved, who has poured his life into discipleship, and just serving at every turn, with the humblest of hearts.

3)  Two witnesses to these baptisms were my oldest two children, Riley, and Kendall, who are also incredible christian examples, who serve in teaching the children, praise and worship, and so much more.

4)  John, Riley, and Kendall are coming home and we cannot wait to embrace each other again.

5)  We have two Filipino Congressmen dedicated to helping us get Angel adopted.

6)  We have wonderful, devoted, God sent ministry leaders to fill our shoes in our absence.

7)  We have a church being built!

8)  We have a car, all our own, a blessing from a Godly family, who has given us more than I could ever put into words.

9)  We have a sister and brother-in-law who help us at every turn, willing to let our larger than average family stay with them until we find a home.

10) We have an abundance of uplifting friends and family, who pray and encourage and support us…

Goodness, once I started listing the things that matter, I realized I could be here for quite a while.  I realized that most of the tears I have cried lately are tears of joy.  There are things that have been getting me down and I may write about them sometime… In fact, I did…  But once I read through the 3-paged journal of this past month, I thought what does this even matter?? Who cares about what I don’t have… There is so much that I do have, and I see it plain as day.  I think I will hit delete on all that stuff that doesn’t matter… I know God has everything laid out already… and I trust in it.  How could I not, when He has shown me so much!?  I know I will make it back to my Filipino family and Angel, not as quickly as John, as he will head back in the next month or two, but I will… and that’s what matters.

A Letter From Angel…

We Stink Together

Isn’t it wonderful to see… I mean truly SEE!  Today my eyes are open to see this great life before me…  Five years ago my husband and I began this journey of a life with God as Point.  I, more reluctantly than any other member of my immediate family, gave up my home and everything in it… well everything that I couldn’t shove into my poor sister-in-law’s closet.  I sold my beloved favorite shiny light blue minivan with automatic sliding door… And my husband sold his beloved ol’ pickup truck, which had molded to shape his bottom half.  I literally had to sit on something to see above the steering wheel.  He sold his kayak and treasured camping and fishing gear, tools, everything… and all for much less than they were worth.  We took what we had and followed the Holy Spirit’s lead, prompting us to go to the Philippines.  Mind you, I never EVER would have gone unless it was so clear to me, and it was abundantly so.  What a journey it has been!  Our family is forever changed.  Our family has grown, not only in number, but in spirit.  We can get through anything together, and we don’t need much!  We have developed true bonds with true friends that fight with us on many levels.  Some have and continue to visit us here in the Philippines.  Some write messages of encouragement.  Some send funds.  Some pray.  Some do all of the above.  We are so blessed!  Today, I think of my oldest two as they continue to study there in the U.S.  They make my heart soar with joy!  In just a few months they have both made all A’s and B’s on their report card.  Kendall even made the honor roll as she had enough A’s over B’s.  All of their teacher comments were so gratifying.  They jumped right into sports.  Riley playing baseball and Kendall softball for their school team.  Win or lose, they always wrote about how much fun they had.  Riley even went on to getting 3rd in district, and #1 in runs scored.  He also got a prestigious “Heart of the Lion” award, for being an all-around example of a good student and friend to his peers.  And Kendall told me she is striving for that award as well.  They love and encourage each other like no other.  It melted my heart when they each messaged me about Kendall’s hand being slammed in the truck door.  Riley felt so terrible for accidentally having done it, and Kendall felt terrible that her brother felt so terrible.  Instead of asking me to pray for her hand, she asked for me to pray for her brother!  Stuff like this means so much more to me than that silly shiny minivan, or the comfort of a recliner.  The memories and struggles of ministry life here have made them shine from the inside out!

It used to wear me thin to have to ask for funds and support… It was so draining and terrifying to me, and a humbling experience like no other.  But God changed my view, and in this moment, I see it as God’s blessings above all.  It’s part of the beauty of how He works.  Riley’s teeth were in horrible condition.  I don’t know if it was because of malnourishment, as we have had to eat a lot of rice, or the water, or bad genes, or what… But he had a cavity in each tooth.  We had taken him to the dentist here in the Philippines, but she just said he had softening of his enamel and there was nothing she could do but fill the holes as they came.  When he went back to the U.S., he was seen by a dentist, and so far he has had 9 of his teeth fixed.  It doesn’t hurt him to eat chips anymore, and I am so thankful to those who donated for all the expensive work…  There have been times when I have felt inadequate as a mom, because of things like not being able to help my son get his teeth fixed.  And those things can creep into a mother’s mind and take up residence.  But God blesses… and continues to do so time and time again!  I refuse to see it any other way now.  And I know that just like, the land, our hollow block home, flight tickets, and daily needs… He has provided.  He continually provides and He will provide the rest of what is needed to build this church!  I know it!

These days are hot!!!  And we sweat beyond reason, and stink on a regular basis, if any ounce of work is done.  But I have children that wake up early to do it with me.  I kid you not, Neely and Angel argued over who got to wash the dishes today…  I settled it by dividing who got to wash what… Seriously!  I think this mother’s day God is showing me how great it is to be the mom of missionary kids.  They don’t have a lot of material things, but they have so much more!  And while living here, I will continue to do my best and love our extended Filipino family.  These youth crack me up… They are are one of a kind, and loved by our amazing God.  I want to see them succeed, to grow in strength, wisdom, and love.  Often times they come, hot and sweaty, after selling fish all day long… stinking to high heaven.  And while we may all stink, we stink together.  And though Riley and Kendall are not here right now stinking with us… we all still remember their smell… 😉

 

Just Some Photos from Today

This was the lesson for children’s church on Sunday… Matthew 6:26 (Mateo in Tagalog)

The church building in progress…

Bathroom..

Classroom…

My sweet and goofy children… Neely, Angel, and Liam

And this is one of the cuties I teach, Kris Tifany… At 22 months, she already knows how to pray. She folds her hands and says, “Lord, tawad (forgive), Amen!”

Memoirs of a Bathroom Hermit…

I have been reading through some recent daily devotionals by Chuck Swindoll, from Insight for Living Ministries, and I must say, I really like the man.  He just seems so down to earth, someone I could sit and listen to for hours.  He made me laugh when he wrote on his April 04, 2016 post entitled Let’s Move On, “Sometime in my ministry, I am going to gather up enough courage to have a testimony time where the only thing we’ll share is our failures. Wouldn’t that be different? Ever been to a testimony meeting where everybody else seemed to be on Cloud 39, and you were in Tunnel Number 7? One after another is talking about soaring in the heavenlies, while you’re counting gum wrappers in the gutter. Why don’t we visit the other side? Why not hand the microphone around and say, ‘When was the last time you took a nosedive? Can you share with others what it was like to experience a major disappointment?’”

How hard would that be, but how true…  Often times I have fallen into the trap of wanting to do good just to honor those who have supported us, many so abundantly, whether financial, or in wisdom and encouragement, that I feel forever indebted to them… Like there is no way I could ever pay back what they have given me, or be good enough.  I have had to remind myself, on several occasions, that I am not here to people please… that everything I do must be to glorify God, to be pleasing to him alone.  I imagine that is how my children may feel and I plan to remind them that they should work hard for the Lord and no one else.  I think they feel an obligation to do well in their studies because of the ones who made it possible for them to be where they are today. They are doing so well and honoring those contributions.  But I want them to know, that first and foremost, it should always be about honoring God.

I’ll take the mic now…

I locked myself in the bathroom the day before yesterday.  I was messaging back and forth with my friend.  She was saying how she worries for me because of all the bad stories she’s heard about adoptions.  These are the messages that followed…

ME:  Yes… I just take it day by day… Always hoping for a miracle in the back of my mind… My mind jumps all over the place to different scenarios.  I just can’t wait until one sticks!  This guessing game wears a body down.  I just can’t imagine telling her one day that we just can’t do it…

FRIEND:  Me either.  I’m praying for a miracle too. I really thought it would be better from that end because I had heard how hard it was and how long it took (and how expensive!!) it is from this side. I can only imagine. It makes my stomach hurt just talking to you about it!!

ME:  Sometimes I wonder, were we just supposed to save her life and give her love for a little while, a sense of what family is and can be… If so, I am thankful… Could I do it again? I don’t have the strength…

FRIEND:  That is a thought. Foster parents do it all the time.  And I can’t imagine how difficult that would be!

ME:  Now I am hiding in the bathroom balling my eyes out.  Getting it out is really getting to me.

FRIEND:  I’m Sorry! Am I saying the wrong thing?? Do you need to talk about it this way or no? I feel like I don’t know what to say or if I am saying the wrong thing!

ME:  No it’s just that I never talk to anyone about it like this I guess… I can open up with you, and I mostly bottle it up… Right now that bottle has sprung a leak… I know people have gone through far worse… I can do this!

FRIEND:  I know you are right.  And I know God is in control.  I know He will lead you in the right direction, even if it is one you don’t like or one that is difficult. He will give you whatever you need to get through what He has for you to get through.  I think you are doing it with grace and I am in awe.  I think I’d be hiding in the bathroom a lot.

ME:  Lol… I can’t seem to make my way out yet… Love you! I am going to get myself together… I got to get to work… And Neely keeps asking me questions through the door…  Thank you for the talk… I think it was good for me to shed some tears.

I am going to pass the mic now for fear that I may take up the next several hours of your life.  Ministry life seems so much more full of disappointments than I ever bargained for.  I never knew how difficult this life could be.  Yet, the rewards of someone coming to his or her salvation are so much more uplifting than I ever bargained for too.  But lately, there just seems to be way more disappointments than anything else…

Today I sliced open my foot on broken glass.  What’s funny is, Neely immediately grabbed the alcohol and told me to sit down, and she would blow.  I laughed because just a week before we were in the same position, only I was the one blowing her foot.  I remember getting onto her for jerking her foot away before I could pour it and not holding still.  I told her it had to be done in order for it to get better. And here I was just as reluctant as she was!  It was a much different feeling being on the other side.  I don’t want to be on the other side not taking my own advice.  I don’t want to be reluctant, non-trusting, afraid of more pain when I experience nosedives or disappointments.  I want to trust.  I want to take the pain and honor God in the process, whatever the trial may be.

Meanwhile, I do find comfort in the fact that I am not fleeing from Pharaoh’s army, surviving a shipwreck, or the bite of a viper.

Angel’s Story…

My husband, John, our four children, and I made a commitment to come to the Philippines for a mission.  Shortly into our stay, our hearts were opened to a little five year old Filipino girl, named Angel.  She was nearly a year older than our youngest child.  She lived in the village we were ministering to, and attended the school that was set up at the church for the local village children.  I was assigned to teach Bible lessons as well as art projects.  My four year old daughter and Angel were classmates.  I still remember the day they met.  Angel and Neely cupped each other’s faces out of sheer love and adoration for one another, though neither could speak the other’s language.  Angel’s grandmother, with whom she stayed, asked us if we could care for her.  Angel’s mother had died when she was only two.  Her father was considered crazy by all who knew him.  He was always drunk and hardly ever around.  So the grandmother cared for her, along with several of her other grandchildren.  This old woman was also the unregistered midwife and abortionist of the village.  After further understanding, we learned that Angel had lost at least three siblings, one from drowning, another of malnourishment and diarrhea, another from murder.  It was said that her teenaged sister was mentally challenged and raped by some men.  The father was drunk and hit her in the head with a metal pan.  The next day, she was found dead.  The father ran away and was gone for some time.  When he returned Angel’s older brother confronted the father about what he had done.  The father, drunk again, beat him so much that he had to be rescued by the villagers and a close American friend of ours.  We feared for Angel, not just because of her father, but because she seemed to have an abnormally swollen stomach.

John and I were never looking to adopt.  We had four children of our own already, two boys, and two girls.  It seemed perfect, but that was before Angel entered our lives.  It was strange how both John and I felt so much love for her and like she belonged with us.  We knew we could give her the love and care she needed, so we spoke with our children and asked them what they thought.  They all agreed that our family was a good family, and that it would be even better with Angel.  So we agreed to care for her.  We went to the Barangay captain, who typed a written statement signed by both the grandmother and her father.  We also went to get her a birth certificate, bringing two village witnesses with us.  However, I don’t know that it was done properly.  No one seemed to know exactly how to spell her last name, or exactly what day she was born.  Some said it was October 27th, some said the 24th… But they were in agreement on the year, month, and generally the same week.  Her birthday was documented as October 24.  We went to see a lawyer who told us that we would need to stay here with her for at least two years.   It was longer than we had initially planned, but we were willing.  A few months later, we found out that he was wrong, and that we would need to stay for at least three years.  At that point we figured God just wanted us here longer and we were not willing to just throw her back.  I took her to the doctor and discovered that she had escaris worms.  She was given medicine to drink.  Three days later those worms began to come out.  It was quite a traumatic week for both she and I.  I had to help her by pulling live worms out of her bottom.  They were at least 8 inches long, and the diameter of a pencil.  This happened for a solid weak, and I removed at least 100 worms from her tender little body.  I removed all the lice from her hair, and continue to do so, as we live in an environment where they are abundant.  She has learned fluent English, thrived in school, earning many awards.  She can speak three languages.  She went from being a lot shorter than Neely, to much taller, and is now the tallest in her third grade class.  We taught her how to swim, how to ride a bike…  We even took her for a car ride for the first time, out of her village, where she had always stayed.  She is now nine, calls us Momma and Daddy, and knows no other home but ours.

Through these years, we have worked in the Philippines as missionaries, and have begun a church in another area, that is SEC registered by the Philippine government and we are in the process of building a church building, and praying for a Filipino Pastor to eventually take over.

I have visited with many social workers and collected the requirements I was told to provide.  We have paid for Barangay clearances, police clearances, authenticated birth certificates and marriage certificate from the Philippine Consulate in America.  We’ve gotten letters of recommendation, etc…  And all was going well.  We were just waiting for a home study from the busy social workers.  Yesterday, I traveled three hours to speak with a head social worker who told me that everything I had done or been told was wrong… that we could not adopt under tourist visa status, or even missionary visa status.  We had to have some sort of residency visa, in order to adopt in the local courts.  She said but even then, your country would not recognize it and that I need to contact the Inter Country Adoption Board.  I explained to her that I had spoken to an American who worked for the Hague Adoptions, and that she said that what we were doing is a domestic adoption so we would not have to use Hague.  We could not afford it for one, and Angel would have had to come from certain orphanages that they work with.  I had also gone to the U.S. embassy a few years ago and the woman there, had told me that as long as we adopt through the Philippine government, that we would need to fill out papers when that was complete, and as soon as she stepped on American soil, she would be a citizen.  However, the social worker said that was not in her knowledge and that we just need to contact ICAB.

I feel like I am running around in circles.  Does anyone know what they are doing?  I certainly do not!  I am just trying to give my daughter the security of knowing she belongs to a family that loves her.  I want to be able to take her to America with us, not to change anything about her, but to allow her to experience both worlds with us, to allow her to meet her extended family and friends who already love her, to give her a good education for her to better her life and maybe even one day she can do great things to better the village where she came from.

How can this be?  How can a country prevent a child from having a loving home to grow up in because of mere rules?  Change them!  Evaluate the situation!  Care more, or even just a little!  I can’t stay here forever, and I don’t want her to have to either.  How can I tell her your country has failed you.  My country has failed you.  I have failed you…   That is precisely what I feel like in this moment, a complete failure.  Where do I go from here?  I have written to two emails I got from the ICAB site, but so far, no replies…  Does anyone know anyone that might be able to help?  And if you don’t, just please pray fervently.  Thank you…

To Give Him a Smile…

Just before the sun set in the sky, I walked down to check on a friend who had a fever.  She was sitting where I usually find her, just down from her house at the waiting area of a “store,” although it’s not a store by anyone who might be reading this’ standards… It’s not even as stocked as a little league baseball concession stand, but a “store” nonetheless.  I sat by her and felt her head and asked how she was feeling.  She said, “That medicine that you give is good Sister”… (That would be extra strength Tylenol.) 🙂 Then, a woman, I have seen periodically since I have been back, came and stood in front of me.

I don’t know her.  She wasn’t here before I left.  All I knew up to this point, was that she was the sister of the man who owns the store.  I had commented one day on what she was doing.  She had a bowl of chicken heads and feet, and it looked like she was de-skinning them.  (Is that a word?)  I think I had said something like, ‘Oh barbecue!’  Or something silly like that… just to make conversation rather than just awkwardly passing by, but not really succeeding.

Anyway, now she stood before me, speaking as if someone had turned on the faucet.  She poured out her heart to me, speaking in English and Tagalog.  She said that she was so glad that we are here, and that she came from Manila, where she used to be involved in a born again church. (That’s what they call a Protestant church here in the Philippines.) She continued that she was there, at church, basically every time the doors were open and even had been going, on and off, since she was in 3rd grade.  She said she read her Bible all the time and even taught… but her baby got sick.  She prayed for him, but he died when he was only two.  She continued that she asked God why He would do that when she gave Him everything.  She kept talking, not really leaving room for me to say anything, which was good, because I didn’t know what to say.  She said she didn’t pass her trial because she stopped going.  She said that was in 2006 and she is living here now because her husband is seeing someone else.  She has many more children as old as 19.  After listening to her heartbreaking story, and seeing the tears come and go in her eyes, it was time for me to speak.  I had no idea what to say.  What could I say?  I told her I have never lost a child and I cannot even begin to imagine how hard that would be.  I told her that I am glad we are here too.  She asked when our services are.  I told her Wednesday nights at 6 and Sundays at 8 for children, and 10 for adults.  Those are our scheduled times anyway, but living among the people, we tend to have church daily in one way or another.  She said she is in the market selling on Sundays.  I told her she is welcome anytime and hopefully she can come.  She said she prayed and asked the Lord to be a part of His family again.  I said some other stuff too, but not incredibly wise.  Later, is when all the verses, and what I should or could have saids, came to mind.  She didn’t come Wednesday… Pray for her with me.  I will go down and visit her again.

Yesterday, Daddy asked Angel to say the blessing at dinner.  She prayed for the food, but mostly about school.  She kept asking God to make the kids nice and not mean and repeated such things in various ways.  I noticed it was not her usual prayer.  Before filling her plate with food, she got up, came to where I was standing in the kitchen, and said, “Momma, I need to talk to you in your room.”  I went in with her.  She began by saying she always breaks things. (Earlier she had broken a new coffee cup and confessed teary-eyed.  I told her it was ok. It was just an accident.) She mentioned the coffee cup again and some things she had broke while I was gone.  She said, “I’m always doing bad things, Momma.”

I said again, “Angel, those are just things, and those are just accidents so it’s ok.”  I tried to make her smile by saying, “Kendall broke a lot of things too, remember?”

Then she lunged into my chest, burying her face, as she spoke through tears, “I always say bad words at school Momma, and sometimes I be mean, and I lie all the time. I try to stop but I still do it and I don’t know why. It’s like the devil makes me do it.”

I had to ask her to repeat some of that, as it was hard to understand what she was saying.

I got down and told her, “Angel… it shows that you have a good heart because you know it’s wrong and you want to stop doing these things.  The devil can’t make you do anything.  You always have a choice, and if you want to stop in here (I pointed at her heart) enough, then you will.  Pray for God to give you that strength.  Did you know that I used to say bad words, when I was younger?”  She shook her head no.  “Do you know why?”  She continued shaking her head.  “Because I wanted all the kids to like me and think I was cool.  But it didn’t make cool.  It didn’t make me happy either… or God.  I don’t do that now, and you know what,” She sniffed as I continued, “It makes God smile.”

This morning, before she left for school, I got down and prayed with her.  We asked the Lord for strength to make the right choices, and for all the choices we make today to give Him a smile.  She smiled when we were through and hollered, “Thank you Momma!” as she trotted down the path.

I had no idea that was going on in her life, but I am glad her little heart is being worked on by our loving,caring Heavenly Father.

John and Joe

“Ummm, you smell like Mexican food,” exclaims my husband as he hugs me from behind.  I begin laughing and say, “Hum, maybe it’s coming out in my sweat.”  He says, “I think so!,” as he gets more aggressive in the hug, saying, “I’m hungry and you smell so good!”  I laugh and break free to cook eggs and rice… Yep, we are back!  And I have moments of I NEED FOOD pulse through me… Where you look and look, hoping that something might magically appear where you’ve already looked a thousand times!… Where you settle for boiled eggs, and try to spruce it up, by dipping it in spicy vinegar…. It’s good… just not what I was looking for.

I do love being back!  I love seeing the change in the people that my hubs doesn’t even see.  I told him, “They’re different!  You’re different!”  He can’t see it, but I do.  Just the way the youth are with him, the team they have developed, the bond I feel like I am somewhat intruding on…  Every morning, at first light, John gets up and starts the water to boil.  He then turns on the outside light, which signals anyone who wants to come, that it is time for morning devotion.  He has Bibles out, and a verse or two on the board.  He puts out coffee and/or Milo (a local type of hot chocolate… sort of).  Sometimes he makes them rice, which they eat with their coffee, and sprinkle with sugar… Sometimes he has bread…  They usually have a discussion about the verse and then they head off to school.  I just love it!  Sometimes we have overnighters, usually two 15 year old boys, that we love to bits and pieces.  Other nights we’ve had more.  John wakes them up for devotion by banging a pot with a big metal spoon.  They know the routine and it makes me smile every time… even though that confounded pot banging is waking me up too.  🙂 They help out a lot.  This morning for church, one girl raked out everything.  They all set up the chairs and benches and brought out the Bibles.  They wrote out the songs we’d be singing and pretty much had everything ready.  Anything they saw me doing, they would run to do it for me.

The other day, I guess the water pipe, that we have running down from our tank, got clogged or something, because so many people and families came up to fill their containers.  It really opened my eyes to just how many rely upon our water supply now.  They drink it and I pray that it keeps them healthy. John and Lee fixed it so the water flows good again.

I got all the kids that attend here some clothes.  To all the girls I gave those cute Walmart $3.88 shirts, and the boys some nice basketball shorts (also a Walmart sale)…  Their faces lit up at receiving their gifts.  And my heart swelled at their hugs.  They’d see me and run with their arms out, shouting “Sister Mandi!” I would shout their names back, and scoop them up!

A few days ago, a couple from our church brought up their 5 or 6 year old son.  He had fallen off a motorcycle and hit his head on a rock.  I don’t know why people bring their kids to me.  I have no idea what I’m doing!!  I just boiled some water and cleaned it, put on some neosporin and a big bandaid.  He was such a trooper!  He looked scared at first, but I was very gentle and spoke calmly to him.  I gave him some grape flavored children’s Tylenol and told him it tasted like candy.  He agreed as he chewed it on his mom’s lap with a smile.  When they came again for Wednesday night church, 3 days later, he still had that same bandaid on.  I removed it, but I could have kicked myself for getting it stuck on so much hair.  It was hard to pull it off without pulling some hair out with it.  He squirmed more then, than when I originally cleaned it.  It looked good but was slimy like it needed to dry out.  I put more neosporin, left it uncovered, and gave his mom some more bandaids.  Thank you Lord that it wasn’t worse than that! John said he is glad I am back to being Dr.  He said some kid came here with stitches all the way down his hand from getting it caught in some kind of machine.  The boy wasn’t moving it and his hand was stuck.  John had to rub neosporin on it and help him open up his hand to get the skin to stretch back out.  He did that a few times.  He said there were several others and he went through a lot of neosporin while I was gone.  I told him I know what he means. 😉 I also gave Tylenol to some kids and adults who had fevers… developed one myself, accompanied by a sore throat, but I am good now, except for a cough.  Praise God!

Speaking of Doctors, My sister-in-law took Riley to see one recently.  He had developed another boil on his arm.  He had to get an injection, oral antibiotics, and swab his nose every night to get rid of a lingering staph infection in his blood.  I am so thankful that he is getting the treatment he needs… so thankful…  I was sharing with my friend how just being able to get my children the treatment they need is one of the biggest challenges I have mentally.  I am so relieved that my oldest two are safe and healthy.  I just miss them like crazy is all… They are doing well according to our back and forth messaging.  I opened up a 4 second video of Kendall batting at softball practice, watched it I don’t know how many times, and teared up most every time. 🙂 Ha!

The kids both had writing assignments due Monday… Both took pictures of what they wrote for me to check and help them make corrections… So I did, took a picture of the corrections and sent it back to them.  Riley’s was just a simple 100 word or so opinion on whether or not he agrees that TV influences crime…   Kendall’s was a sci-fi writing assignment.  Her story cracked me up… I thought you all might get a kick out of it too… So I am attaching it to this post.  The following is her story.  I just helped her make it clearer, and helped her understand how quotations work, and when to change lines…  Here’s her story…

“John,” cried Joe.

“What do you want Joe?”

“Come here,” she ordered as she panted down into the shallow side of the lake.

Joanna, has always been called Joe by those closest to her, including her brother John.  They were walking home from school, and Joe had wandered ahead as usual.  When John reached her, he demanded “What,” as he now panted with her.  “What are we looking at?”  He ordered again.  He saw nothing but her reflection, and now his own.  “Johanna Chris Carino, you scared me half to death!”  He yelled.  “Why in the world did you make me run down here to stare at nothing?”

“Im sorry John,” Johanna sulked.  “But don’t you think I look like Momma?”  John stared at her with immediate regret and pulled her into a hug.  She sobbed in her brother’s arms, “I miss them so much,” she sniffed.

“I’m here for you Joe,” he reassured.

Joanna smiled, “What if I could invent a way to get to them?”

John laughed and said, “Just how do you plan on doing that?”

“Well,” she said and began sprinting toward home.

“Wait for me!”  John followed behind.

Joanna darted straight for the barn, where she kept all of her equipment and other inventions.  She began working right away as if the incident at the lake had solved a missing link.  Soon after, John was right by her side.  “Hold this,” she tapped a piece of metal, refusing to look away from her work.  John complied.  Everyday after school, Joanna and John would race home by the lake, and begin where they had left off, until finally, on a beautiful Saturday morning, Joanna and John completed their work.  They knew that if it worked, their lives could change for good, and not just their lives, but the lives of everyone in the entire world!  Holding hands, Joanna and John asked God for it to work, and pressed the button.  With a thug, thug, thug, on came the machine.  They laughed and Joanna exclaimed, “It works!”

“Wait a second Joe,” John said.  “We still have to see if it will teleport one of us.”

“Alright, I’ll go,” Joanna volunteered, feeling excited, bold, confident and eager.

“No!  I’ll go.”

“But John!”  Joanna argued.

“Joe, I love you,” he retorted with a wink in his eye, and jumped in.

Joanna sat there crying, waiting, wondering if her brother would ever come back.  Sunday morning came and Joanna woke to someone tapping on her shoulder.  “Hey Joe!”  John  stood there in the light of the sun.  “Look who’s here!”

Joanna looked and there they were, “Daddy!  Momma!”  She yelled.  They were there, actually there! She couldn’t believe her tear filled eyes.

Her parents are missionaries, on the other side of the world.  They had left John and Joanna there to go to school, to get a good education while they traveled.

“How did y’all get to us?”  Her parents asked.

“Well,” John said.  “After we made the machine, we typed in where we wanted to go, and it took me there, straight to you!”

“Y’all sure do take after your father, I must say.”  Their mother approved.

“Mrs. DeVera,” Justin said tugging on her shirt.

“Yes, Justin?”

“How did John get back with them?”

“Well,” Mrs. DeVera said, “The same way you got back home.”  Justin looked at her with a puzzled face, “Justin, look around. You see how everyone is leaving and coming?”

“Yes Mam,” Justin answered.

“So you see how they all push that blue button?”

“Yes Mam, that’s what I do when I go home.”  Justin looked at his teacher as Mrs. DeVera returned the look, waiting for him to realize.  “Oh, is that how John made it back?”

“Yes!  Good thinking Justin!”  Mrs. DeVera encouraged.

“Joe!”  John hollered.  As Joe, got up and headed toward her brother, she said, “Alright class, have a good weekend.”

“Bye Mrs. DeVera!”

“Goodbye Class!”

John, president of the teleportation company, handed her the phone.

“Yes,” Joe answered.

“Hey Honey!”  Mr. DeVera returned.

Out of Control…

It began in the dentist office… I went in to get the tooth issue from last August taken care of.  My sister-in-law had told her dentist about what happened during my last dental ordeal in the Philippines.  He told her to tell me to come in and he would take care of me.  I was so thankful and yet terrified.  The first visit, they x-rayed my teeth from every possible angle.  (I have never had an x-ray in the Philippines.)  He told me they were going to fix the tooth next to the one they removed, that looked like it was broken during the extraction.  And then he would take out the remainder of whatever was left from that tooth.  From the x-ray, he couldn’t tell if it was a piece of bone, or my tooth, or what, but that he could get it out, none-the-less.  He explained that he may have to cut it out, that I would be awake, but numb, and shouldn’t feel it.  He said I could take a Valium to relax me before hand if I wanted, but I told him that wouldn’t be necessary.

The closer it got to the date that all this would go down, the more nervous I got.  The kids all wanted to go with me.  I told them all they would be doing is sitting in a waiting room, but they preferred to do that rather than stay alone at their aunt’s watching T.V.  The fact that they were with me as I drove, kept me calmer than I would have been on my own.  I kept my brave face on.  But on the inside, especially when they called me back, I was really panicking.  I thought maybe I should have taken that Valium after all.  As he injected my gums with the numbing stuff, I could feel my heart pounding in my eardrums.  He and his nurse said they would let me stay there for a bit while it did its thing.  As I was lying there, I had tears streaming down both sides of my temple and into my hair.  The more I fought to keep them in, the more they came and I was so frustrated with my tears.  I have had teeth pulled before and I was fine!  I told this to myself.  I told myself how embarrassing this was going to be if they walked back in and saw me.  I hated the lack of control I had over my emotions.  Finally, I pulled myself together and tried to remove any evidence of tears.  They came back in and began to work.  My chest burned and it went all the way up into my ears…

It didn’t hurt at all, and it didn’t even seem to take them all that long to do it.  He had to cut my gums and I could feel that he got under the tooth real well in order to get it out.  It was a part of the tooth, rather than bone.  After that, he told me he wasn’t going to stitch it because that could cause more pain.  He told me some other things to avoid for 24 hours and that I was good to go.  The only thing that hurt by the time I got back to my sister-in-law’s was my head because of the unnecessary frenzy I had worked myself into.  I took a nap and when I woke up, I could feel the pain from it all.  But simple Tylenol made it better and I was fine from then on.  I wrote that dentist an extensive thank you letter to somehow try and express my gratitude… but words sometimes don’t ever say enough.

This was pretty much the first encounter I had while being here, with my emotions taking the lead and refusing to be restrained.  I am usually very good at hiding the way I feel… I am very in control of that department… usually.  But this trip is taking its toll on me.  I have spoken about our mission several times now, and this last time I cried so hard when I was speaking that my voice was cracking, my lips were quivering, and the whole room was crying with me.  I cried all over the thank you letters I’ve been writing.  And I cried all the way to church the other night!  I cried when I messaged John, when I got the passports…  Goodness me… How much tears can a body produce?

One major reason, that I didn’t mention in my previous post, (It was in the “to be continued” part) is that I am leaving my oldest two, Riley and Kendall, here, to go to high school.  And I will tell you more about that blessing in a moment.  I have tickets back now that the renewed passports of my younger two, Liam and Neely, came in.  I am leaving again for the Philippines on Monday, the 18th.  The other day John told me that Angel was sick and had a fever.  I thought, ‘O man I need to be there.’  Then I picked Riley and Kendall up from school, and when I asked how their day was.  Kendall answered in tears.  She said she felt stupid, lost… and that she even set the alarm off by going out the wrong door.  Then I thought, ‘O man I need to be here.’  Their homework has been out of this world and many nights we have stayed up just so they could get it all done, with me assisting where I could.  Kendall has been needing math tutoring and Riley has had several questions about writing and Anatomy and Physiology.  Sometimes I feel like I failed them in areas, and other times I feel like they are doing well.  It was quite an adjustment just fitting back into American society.  The whole school scene is so different from the past four years of their lives.  Even speaking and hearing so much American English has been an adjustment.

My heart is so torn in moments of vulnerability, that I can’t catch my breath.  I used to get these panic attacks when I was younger and pregnant with Neely.  They came out of nowhere.  They were irrational and hard to explain.  I would wake up feeling like I couldn’t get enough air, like I was trapped in a tight space, but I had plenty of it.  I thought maybe it was because being pregnant leaves less space for lung expansion and that I just wasn’t getting full breaths of air, but it also felt deeper than that, in a way I didn’t know how to explain.  Even after I had Neely, I would still wake up in a panic, and it didn’t always just happen when I slept either.  I hated the feeling and I think I began to fear it, so it would happen more because of that.  When my husband was saved, and I began living my life for the Lord in a way I never had before, I prayed for it to be taken away.  He did!  It never came back until just a few times in the Philippines, but I can deal with it better.  I pray!  And it goes away just as quickly as it came.  Here lately, it has come back in full force.  I can’t sleep.  I am exhausted but I fear closing my eyes, because a few times that I have, I jolt up with that feeling that I most dread.  I have to stay occupied.  I clean and organize over and over.  Wash and put away clothes.  Pack and repack… until I am so exhausted that I know I will fall into a deep sleep, and most likely stay there, until I have to wake up to take Riley and Kendall to school in the morning.

That is my way of dealing with things a lot of the time… to gain some sort of control, you know… do it on my own… which may work for a time, but never lasts in the end…  All my efforts usually come crashing down until I finally turn it over to who it belonged to in the first place.  But my husband will tell you I am stubborn… and he would be right.

As time has progressed, they have been doing much better.  I did see Kendall crying in the rearview mirror on our way to church.  She didn’t realize I could see her.  I said, “Kendall why are you crying?”  She smiled and said, “I hear tears are good for your skin.”  She is stubborn too. 🙂 Later I talked with her again about it, and she said, “It was just that it was a good day, we were listening to the music, and singing, and going to church together… and you’re about to leave…”  I cried with her at this other out of control moment, and told her how much I was going to miss that too, and that one day, it would be just like that, but with Daddy and Angel also.

Through everything, I am still confident that this was the right move, one of the reasons is that they need to be confident in this environment, just as they are there in the Philippines.  They need to be able to adjust well between the two, especially at this stage in their lives.  Riley only has the rest of this year and the next before he graduates.  And Kendall is a freshman.  The struggle is evident, yet much more doable at this stage, rather than later.

Another reason is how God answered prayer through a friend.  I had emailed the school I had wanted them to go to from the Philippines.  It is a local private school.  It cost money that I don’t have, but I knew they offered scholarships so I thought I’d try.  I got an email back, saying their scholarships were done for the year and if I wanted them to go next year, I could apply them online, for a fee of $225 dollars each.  I lost hope in that moment and began a journey in searching other routes and schools.  The local high school that they would have attended, had we never moved away, even advised against them going there.  They were concerned with them getting “eaten alive” by the other students.  So we were in contact with other districts that were smaller, but a good distance away.  It was a struggle and heavy burden until, my friend asked if she could speak to that private school, where she takes her kids, on our behalf.  I said sure.  Within two days, she had gotten a significant amount taken off for us, and had spoken with several others who wanted to help, and the remaining balance was raised.  I was floored!  I don’t even know who the other people are that helped get my children into this school!  And then  another friend of a friend wanted to bless them with their uniforms.  A few days later we were interviewing, testing, and touring the school.  This was another one of those out of control moments where I just cried… at the sight of the science lab, the gym, the computer room, library… all these things that my kiddos were going to be able to do, in a good, safe environment.  God took care of them!  I don’t know why I was so surprised…  but I am still in awe of Him and grateful for His people.

But I realize, that I do need to be out of control, so that He can be in control.  I love the fact that I am out of control… I just can’t handle this stuff!  I know that the Lord continues to do His thing, no matter how out of control I get on my end.  I am reminded that it is not about me.. It never was… And it’s not about my children… It never was… It is about something that’s not just a vapor in time, something that moths and rust cannot destroy.  Something that we should have our hearts set on.  I am so thankful for getting to see glimpses of that, when I see Jesus in people.  I cannot tell you how much I saw Him on this trip.  I love the people God has placed into our lives!  I feel like he put us in the midst of an army of angels!  And I intend to be a prayer warrior on their behalf.

I am ready to go back… I am eager to go back… and more importantly I am not in such a hurry to get back here.  Don’t get me wrong, I do eventually hope to reside in the U.S.  I love it here!  I love the people!  I love driving!  I love the food!  I love wearing my pretty clothes… putting on perfume… dusting off my cute boots and fur-hooded jacket… having clean finger nails and toenails, my lice free head…  But I also miss knowing how much more there is to life… It almost seems too easy to forget here.  As I look at pictures that John sends me… It’s not just a picture to me.  I know them.  I can tell you everyone’s name, what they are like… how they smile and laugh and cry.  I miss getting lice out of their hair!… Yep, whoever knew I could say such a thing!?  The thought brings me to what someone told me last night…  I was telling him, that even though he doesn’t have any children of his own, he is quite good with them.   He said, he thinks it’s one of those things, where if God calls you to something, He equips you…  I was freaked out by lice at first!!  I got so skinny because the food was hard for me to adjust to, and therefore I often just didn’t eat.  But now… we bond through things such as getting lice.  I have eaten dog, stir-fried pig intestines, pig brains, fish soup, chicken soup with the head and feet in it…  all because I want to minister with the people God has sent us to minister to.  When I think back on the ‘me’ before… that ‘me’ would tell you she could never, and therefore would never do this!  God equipped me with an iron stomach… There are other giftings I might have chosen for myself, but God knew what I needed.  My friend, who makes beautiful cookies to make side money, along with being a homeschooling mom, says that people tell her all the time how gifted she is at that.  She says it seems like such a funny gift, and that she would have chosen something else, something that she might weigh as more valuable.  I, however, think the ability to bring joy at the sight and taste of a cookie, ranks higher on my list than having an iron stomach… Just sayin’ 🙂

So I will will leave again in just a few days… out of control… and thanking God!

More Than A Thank You…

Well… we are here… We are here!!!  We are in the good ol’ U.S.A.  Not all of us… John and Angel stayed home in the Philippines.  John has to keep the ministry going and Angel doesn’t have her papers yet… But one day she will!  And oh what a beautiful day that will be.  I haven’t written since I knew we were coming… and that is because we wanted to surprise my mom…. and surprise her we did!  My dad, sisters, and brother were in on it.  They all tried to get her to take off of work that day, but she is a devoted school teacher and felt that her kids needed her more than she needed a day off.  So when she got home that evening, my dad said she would head to the bathroom first.  Sure enough, she did.  We hid upstairs and waited for the cue to come down.  When she came out of the bathroom, we all stood together waiting in the living room… (Riley now taller than her, and Kendall almost the same height)…  She stared at us in confusion for what seemed like an entire minute and uttered words like who? what?… until her brain made all the connections, and the only thing that could come out were heaves of tears that seemed to come from deep within.  The thought makes me cry every time.  (So let me just dry my keyboard here.)  She was so overwhelmed and surprised that this will go down as a priceless unforgotten moment in time.

We have been here for a week and a half now, and have seen so many people, and still have so many to see.  I got to meet and hold my nephew and three nieces I have never met before.  My kids got to play with their cousins. We have talked to three churches thus far, or I did, and Riley and Kendall sang.  It has been overwhelming to say the least.  The kids keep saying, “Momma this is so weird!”  When we arrived at the first U.S. airport, my eight year old Neely, whose known nothing but a Philippine life since the age of four says, “Momma, there’s a lot of Americanos here!” 🙂

We flew from Manila, Philippines to Hong Kong, which took about an hour and a half.  We had a four hour layover in that airport.  Then we flew from Hong Kong to Newark, New Jersey, which was over 15 hours.  Our crazy layover there was supposed to be two hours but ended up being three due to the chaos at the airport.  There were so many people that the workers seemed a bit overwhelmed.  I was trying to get to the part where I needed to get our luggage checked again, in order to get to our gate, but they stopped all the people from going up there and made us stand in a long roped off line.  People kept trying to bypass the line and go up unaware, and were blocked by an angry worker.  He kept jumping in front of people and aggressively ordering them to the line.  Some would get passed.  One woman in front of me had a flight that was supposed to leave earlier than mine, and I was afraid we weren’t going to make ours.  She tried to tell the man while I watched her bag for her, but he just kept yelling at her to get back in line.  It was crazy… When they finally let us through in groups at a time, they tried to stop Riley from coming with us, but we made him listen that he was with us!  Then we rushed through taking our shoes off and all that good stuff to get to our gate.  When we got there, it said MIAMI!!!  I immediately asked a worker and he said he thought they changed our gate to 111, but to check with information.  When I looked in the direction he pointed for information, there was a long line there, so I said forget it, let’s just hope he’s right.  We ran clear across the airport, with me in front, and Riley in back hurrying his siblings along.  By the time we got there, I was exhausted with a dry sticky mouth.  We would have made it just in time, but they delayed it because of all the confusion.  (I will try to avoid that airport from here on out.)  Our flight from Newark to Houston was over three hours.  There are somewhat quicker ways to get back, but I chose the cheapest route I could find.  I’m thankful that we made it as I was a bit nervous to make all the connections on my own.

I think it took me a good week to come out of my fog and feeling of complete delirium, from such a long flight and my days turning into nights and vice versa .  I somewhat feel normal again, well as normal as a person that has been living in a third world country can, coming back to a country that has everything!  Things do feel strange to me, and yet oddly normal.  I have no idea if that makes any sense…  I asked Liam, my 11 year old, how it feels to wear a shirt all the time.  He said it’s itchy.  Kendall said her shoes are giving her blisters, as she is not used to wearing them anymore.  In fact, all she had were flip flops.  When we came off the airplane, she was wearing cut off pants that were made into long shorts, a T-shirt, and her flip flops.  My dad said y’all need some winter clothes!  He also said he has never had a receipt that long in his life…  The kids needed everything… from socks to jackets!  My mother-in-law soon added to their winter wardrobe as well, and some friends sent us some cozy pajamas.  It has taken a while to get used to the cold.  I think the kids are okay now, especially since it has warmed up lateIy.  But I am still cold all the time. 🙂 I drove for the first time in four years! It was liberating!!! I felt so free to go anywhere and do anything I wanted.  It was funny to see the kids point out all that they remembered.  We drove by our old home, that now belongs to someone else.  All the trees were gone… the treehouse too… Neely didn’t remember it at all.  It made me a bit sad, but not for long, as there are too many things to be joyful and thankful about.

Speaking of thankful… That is exactly what I am… My sister said it perfectly when I tried to explain it to her.  She said, “Uh, is there a word better than ‘thank you’”?  I said I know right!  I told her that I feel so humbled by all the people that help support our ministry and just the things they do for our family…  We have been taken out to eat so much that I can’t even keep up with the leftovers.  We have more than enough places to stay.  If people aren’t taking us out, then they are cooking delicious meals for us. We have been given a brand new cell phone to use along with a service.  We even have a vehicle to use while we are here!  Alright… here I go again with the tears… Seriously, I don’t even know what to say to all these selfless people in our lives.  Thank you just doesn’t seem to say enough.  I don’t know that any of them could possibly grasp how I feel towards each of them individually.  I pray for them and pray that God will bless them in more ways than I ever could for their giving hearts.  It’s quite humbling and hard to describe.  John and I are so blessed with our friends and family.

And while we have had all these wonderful experiences here, we wish that John and Angel could be with us.  We constantly talk about them as if they were.  And it’s not just them… our Filipino family remain in our hearts and on our minds as they eagerly await our return.  I try to send a lot of pictures because John said they get a kick out of seeing them.

To Be Continued…